Zombie: An Obamacare Halloween Horror Story

Dan Joseph
By Dan Joseph | October 29, 2013 | 12:40 PM EDT

You wake up one morning feeling absolutely terrible.

You look in the mirror and notice that your face has turned a greyish color and is covered in horrible sores.  In fact, your skin is falling off.

You go downstairs to eat breakfast.  You pour yourself a bowl of Count Chocula, but you have no appetite.  For some reason all you can think about eating is brains.  Sweet, succulent brains.

Face it.  You're a zombie.

You call up your doctor right away.  But, the woman on the other end has terrible news.

Liberal Zombie Takes to the Street.

Your insurance company has dropped you from your current plan due to the new Obamacare regulations.  Apparently, your current plan didn't cover birth control, so it didn't meet the standard set by the Obama administration.

But you don't need birth control.  You need zombie medicine!

And didn't President Obama say that if you liked your current health care plan, you could keep it? And you believed him!  You voted for him twice. You followed him chanting "Yes We Can!" like you you were....a zombie.

Oh God!

The woman at the doctor's office tells you that the only way you can get health insurance is to go online and sign up for the insurance exchanges on the Obamacare website.

Your run to your computer and log onto  But the website isn't working!  You keep getting an error message!  There used to be a pretty lady on the website's home page, but now she's gone too!  She's probably a become a zombie herself!

Your right arm falls off.  Good thing you don't have a job anymore.  Your employer laid you off in order to avoid extra costs due to Obamacare.  Probably better that way. You couldn't possibly show up to Forever 21 looking like this.

Maybe if you go to a neighbor's house and log onto their computer, you'll be able to access the site and buy some insurance coverage.

You run outside, but as soon as you get out the door, your neighbor blows off your head with a shotgun.

Every day, several dozen Americans wake up to find they have been turned into brain-craving zombies.  It's unclear what causes zombie transformations. The condition is similar to one that infected millions of Americans in both 2008 and 2012 (Although those individuals didn't seem to have any interest, whatsoever, in brains.)

Obamacare is now the law of the land.  But you can't sign up for it, due to the fact that the website was designed by Joe Biden.  So, if you find that you've become a zombie, take two Advil and stay in your house.  Otherwise, there's a good chance that you'll get your head blown off with a shotgun.

In the meantime, the Obama Administration is doing everything in its power to take your neighbor's shotgun away so Zombies and humans can live together in harmony in the future.

Happy Halloween, from all of your friends at the US Department of Health and Human Services!!