If you're like me, you get into a lot of bar fights. After about seven or eight Appletinis, if someone looks at me the wrong way, I feel as though it's my patriotic duty to physically assault that person with a bar stool. Let's be honest, most of those ladies have it coming.
But my righteous, alcohol-fueled anger is nothing when compared to that of Weston Cecil Burton. Burton allegedly got into a fight at a Northern California bar, ran out to his truck and then returned to the bar wielding a chain saw.
According to the LA Times, the chainsaw stalled after it was turned on and the rest of the bars patrons disarmed Burton before he could hurt anyone.
He was arrested soon after.
This story is insane enough on its own and is a great example of why reform of America's chainsaw laws is desperately needed. But the reality is that this could have been prevented had authorities only seen the warning signs earlier.
For example, the Lake of the Pines establishment where all of this happened is called "Stinky Mulligans." Stinky Mulligans can be found between the Ace hardware store and pet hospital in scenic Auburn, California.
If you find yourself drinking in any establishment that has the word "stinky" in its name, it's time to reassess your life choices.
If someone put a list of bar names in front of me and asked me at which one a person was most likely to get attacked with a chainsaw, I would not hesitate before picking "Stinky Mulligans" out of that list.
But, how did this horror movie style altercation begin?
According to the county sheriff, the whole thing started when Burton allegedly touched another man's chest "inappropriately." No one's sure how "inappropriately" is being used in this case. However, because the fight escalated to the point where one guy was chasing another guy with a chainsaw, I think it's safe to assume that it was more than a finger to the solar plexus.
Once Burton's chainsaw ran out of gas, he was disarmed by patrons, ran out of the bar and headed home. Of course, Burton forgot that his credit card was still on file at Stinky Mulligans and he was quickly tracked down by authorities.
When he was arrested at his home, Nevada County deputies announced they had made a shocking discovery: it appeared that Burton HAD BEEN DRINKING!!!! Personally, I didn't see that coming at all.
"I don't like that bar anymore," said an unidentified man in a skeleton mask who read about the chainsaw attack in the newspaper.
Brian Lowenthal, who runs the shopping center where Stinky Mulligans is located, had a more nuanced take on the matter.
""This place is so wackadoodle that only in a small town could you get something like this," Lowenthal told a local, Sacramento news station.
"Only in a small town could you get something like this. Go out to his car and get a chainsaw and go back in. Um....okay. Now what? I'm gonna' cut his leg off?"
There are many lessons to be learned from this tale. Like a modern day Norman Rockwell painting, it thoroughly encapsulates the American small town experience. Oddly named bars, drinking, chainsaws and, of course, inappropriate touching.
Rest assured that CNS News.com is closely monitoring this story and will keep you posted of any further developments.
Note: (Dan Joseph did not make this story up.)