Ipswich Official Eyes Law Requiring Dog Poop DNA Tests

Dan Joseph
By Dan Joseph | March 4, 2014 | 4:46 PM EST

According to Matt Antczak  the Animal Control Officer in the town of Ipswich, Massachusetts, the biggest problem facing his town is dog poop on the sidewalk.

Not homelessness.  Not crime. Not traffic.  Dog poop.

But rest easy, America.  Antczak, lovingly referred to around town as the "poop Nazi," has an idea that could help ease the awful situation in the feces laden Hell hole that Ipswich has devolved into.

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Antczak says he is looking into a new law that would force residents to register their dogs' DNA with the local government.  Dog excrement that was found on the sidewalk would then be tested in order to determine which neighborhood canine had left it there.  Once the offending party was determined, the dog's owner would be subject to a $200 fine.

While no formal proposal has been submitted, estimates are that the law would cost the town about $80,000 initially. However, Antczak says that, within two years, the fines would pay for it and begin turning a profit.  The windfall for the city could be even higher than expected, depending on how much fiber the town's dogs have in their diets.

The town's residents are split on the proposal.

"To take samples and track people down, I think that's going  a little too far, and it's too expensive," said Ipswich dog owner, Jean Hubbard.

But the measure has the support of the Ipswich River Watershed Association which claims that the dog waste can get into the water supply and has an adverse effect of the local shellfish-based economy.

"Do we want this in our water supply?" asks Antczak.  "If you live next door to a clammer, you're going to be putting him out of work."

Besides ensuring that hundreds of Massachusetts "clammers" don't end up on the streets, one has to assume that the new law would create several new government positions for the lucky few who are charged with collecting the poop and performing extensive DNA testing on each specimen.

It's a win-win!

Of course, many  libertarian-minded folks won't like the idea of the government using dog scat to track down owners.  It could be a slippery slope. First it's dog poop, a few months later authorities are throwing people in concentration camps for not washing their hands after using the bathroom when they get back home from picking up poop.

While controversial, if Antczack pulls this off, could talk of a 2016 presidential run be far behind? Who knows?  But if I were Hilary Clinton, I'd watch my back.